fishies

i have never been up before 8 on a saturday before but here i am typing away at 7.55. mum got up to feed all our fishes this morning and they were all dead... not just one but all five... they definitely were well alive and swimming around yesterday...
my parents are not the biggest fans of pets so when they offered to buy me some goldfishes after getting into macrob, i was overjoyed... i handpicked the 4 myself and over the years watched them grow... considering 3 fishies died, at least one of the current five was from all the way back then... and i know it's nothing compared to the attachment you feel to say, a dog or a cat but they were still pets nonetheless... it's probably ridiculous but I remember crying when the first one died... it was a googly eyed fish and got picked on by all the other fish... i couldn't bring myself to look at its body so let mum handled it...
it means nothing now but John and i were about to buy my parents a new fish tank this Christmas... a few years back my sister and brother were playing in the lounge when they hit the clock and it fell onto the fish tank, cracking it... my dad patched it up with silicon... so after 5 years or so, it was definitely time to upgrade... the what-if's have surfaced and i find myself pondering what if i bought that fish tank sooner? what if we were able to realise what had happened sooner? i find regret slowly washing over for buying them in the first place... partially for selfish reasons being my incompetency of dealing with death, even with something as small as goldfishes... but also because they may have been better off...
there's a reason my parents are against getting pets and i think they were right. I should have listened. but along with everything else i've rambled on about, it's too late...